SHINE & BYERS Publishing Collection
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Jamie & Daniele Nonfiction Graphic Novel :: BUY on Amazon
Foreword by Psychologist Owen Connolly
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7 Tips for Sorting Out Your Shit :: Written ↓ BELOW ↓
7 Tips for Sorting Out Your Shit :: An Interview with Owen Connolly
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1. Don’t trust too soon
It catches people out when they trust someone too early in a relationship. Once they do, they feel almost obliged to follow on with that person’s view, or whatever else is happening. Even though they might be saying to themselves, “Hmm, I’m not so sure about this, but, oh well, they have shown themselves to be trustworthy.”
Grooming—that’s really what it looks like in this scenario of Jamie & Daniele, written by SHINE & BYERS. In the guise of being groomed, the main character, Daniele was being led by the nose every step of the way. By trusting too soon, Daniele left herself without a choice.
2. Do not give over ownership of yourself
This can be very powerful. That trust that you need or want—hold fast to that for the time being. The other most important thing is to hold on to ownership of yourself. Remember, you are the only one that can give yourself over to somebody. Holding on to ownership of yourself means that when you eventually do give yourself over, it’s a choice; it’s not something you have to do. Owning yourself means being confident that you are priceless, special, amazing and a gift. By owning that truth, you understand and appreciate your value, and giving yourself over becomes sacrificial. Placing something extremely precious into the hands of someone else, for whatever the purpose, must be your decision. Because if you give that precious, amazing something over to someone, and they whip it around—and they can—that can send you right back to believing that you are not priceless, special, or amazing.
3. Recognize the “hunger” in trusting too soon
I don’t want to call it naiveté because that suggests that a lack of experience with people is the reason they may play you. Instead, see it as a hunger to have a need met, no matter what that need might be.
In the way Jamie & Daniele is presented, it appears that Daniele felt confidence in the ability of a woman, Corella, to fulfil a specific need. Daniele willingly entered what was made to look like, and perceived by Daniele to be, a safe place. Her antennae detected that because Corella reached out to Daniele, it must be safe to lean in and let Corella meet that hunger. The reality is that the players are feeding themselves; they are not feeding you.
4. It’s all about attachment
Our need for attachment is primal and goes right back to the very beginning. Upon leaving the womb, a baby’s first engagement with the senses is huge. There is an intense need for its parents—the mother first and then the father. Bowlby is the master of the psychological reasons behind the attachment process. My desire was to show that when this connection is broken through a separation of any kind, the need for attachment in that individual may increase. This makes them vulnerable to being waylaid or hijacked.
5. Curb anxiety around attachment
This goes back to the way in which one nurtures oneself. If you have had an insecure attachment, there is more than likely anxiety associated with that. You know where the anxiety originated but you push it away, unable to deal with it right now. Instead, you engage your rational brain and attempt to move on. The irony is that until you do acknowledge the separation anxiety, you will not be able to move on and the anxiety will torment you.
6. Post-transformation: set yourself up for the day
When you awake in the morning, while you’re still lying in bed, breathe in deeply and do a reset to prepare for the day ahead. Put yourself in a position where the body and brain are working together. Once you get into the reset, breathe through your lower diaphragm so that oxygen spreads throughout your body. This puts you on a calm footing to begin your day. So, even as an adult who might not have had the benefit of a secure attachment, you can start each morning by reinforcing your value. In other words, recognizing you are priceless, special, and amazing. Priceless, because you see the human being as magnificent: beautiful and wonderfully made. It’s training yourself to see your worth.
7. Understand your capacity to love
That’s a valuable resource that’s important not to share with anyone unless they want to share it with you. Joining together in a relationship has to do with a decision; a choice we make to share our love with one another. It’s not giving yourself into their care, it is sharing your love with them. People with attachment issues generally want to give themselves into the care of another. That makes them very vulnerable because it means they’re no longer in charge. Control lies with the other person and whatever they decide.
Understanding your capacity to love begins with appreciating your worth, and taking care of yourself. We are supposed to grow from a child who needs somebody’s care to an adult that needs not care, but knowledge. Only then can we move on to ownership of who we are.
So, in terms of transformation, caring is the first stage—you need somebody’s care for you. Second, is progressing from the need to have somebody’s care to the knowledge of who you are and how valuable you are. The third stage is being able to share the love that you have for yourself with a significant other. That is your secure area.